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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24904450">Confession</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Banna/pseuds/Banna'>Banna</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: The Original Series</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, Pining, Vulcan Mind Melds, they're idiots ok</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 03:02:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,799</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24904450</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Banna/pseuds/Banna</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When Spock thinks he's dying, he makes a confession to Kirk he never would have under normal circumstances.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James T. Kirk/Spock</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>162</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Confession</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The phaser shots whizzed by their heads as they ran across yet another alien terrain. Panting, Jim glanced behind him. Their pursuers were drawing closer. In vain, he tried his communicator again. Still that terrifying static. This wasn’t the first time he had lost contact with the Enterprise on a mission that was supposed to be diplomatic. Supposed to be no big deal! In fact, supposed to be so easy, only Kirk and his first officer had beamed down.<br/><br/>
Damn his big mouth. He just had to say something about how this society treated their lowest class. It was, as Spock would say, completely illogical. But he couldn’t stand how they treated the lower classes almost as slaves and constantly insulted them. But his opinion didn’t really matter. It was his job to get this planet to join the federation goddammit!<br/><br/>
He looked wildly around as he ran for somewhere to hide. The phaser shots were coming ever closer, and the dodges getting narrower. Besides, they weren’t going to be able to keep this pace up forever.<br/><br/>
Suddenly he heard a shout from his first office. “Spock!” He whirled around to see Spock clutching his side. The side his heart was on. He’d been hit. Kirk’s vision went white for a moment. There was no time to freak out. Without further thought, he grabbed his first officer by the waist and hoisted him over his shoulder, continuing to run. Blessedly, he saw a hole in the ground, big enough for them to fit through and hide in. Trying not to think too hard about what or who else may be in the cave, he jumped in.<br/><br/>
He pressed up against the wall, breathless, holding Spock up, trying to ignore his friend’s labored breathing. He listened with strained ears until he heard their aggressors pass. They had lost them. Small comfort, as he saw Spock’s ear tips were turning blue.<br/><br/>
“Spock, you’re ok. You’re going to be ok.”<br/><br/>
Spock shook his head slowly. “No, captain. I have approximately 15 minutes left. According to my calculations, the Enterprise will not be able to find us in that time frame. And even if they could, Doctor McCoy would not have the time to save me.”<br/><br/>
Jim’s eyes involuntarily filled with tears. “No, no. We’ve beaten impossible odds before. Several times.”<br/><br/>
Spock allowed his lips to turn up the tiniest amount, in a way that only Jim would recognize as a smile. “Not this time, Captain. I’m sorry.”<br/><br/>
Jim let out a wracking sob. “You don’t know that. You don’t know.” He gathered Spock in his arms and held him close. He felt him stiffen at the close touch and then relax into it.<br/><br/>
“Jim.” Kirk’s eyes snapped up at the informal address Spock so rarely used. “Since I only have thirteen and a half minutes left, there is something I wish to tell you, which has always seemed illogical before.”<br/><br/>
Kirk looked at him curiously, this didn’t sound at all like his normal science officer.<br/><br/>
“Understand, I don’t expect anything from you when I say this. Not even a response. It is my human side compelling me to tell you this. I have not been able to quiet it no matter how much meditation I-”<br/><br/>
“Spock, just tell me.” Kirk wanted to hear him out but talking seemed to be taking a lot of his strength, which he desperately wanted him to conserve.<br/><br/>
Spock breathed in and out raggedly. “Jim. I…I’m in love with you.”<br/><br/>
Kirk’s vision went white for the second time that day. His head spun. Feelings he had pressed down for years came rushing to the surface. He had realized he was in love with Spock about a month into their five-year mission, but he had told himself he would be satisfied with his friendship. He was sure that the half-Vulcan would never want anything more than that. He had made himself be ok with that. Sure, there had been times where their hands had brushed too many times in chess for a normal game, where he could have sworn there was a tinge of green blush on Spock’s alien cheeks. He had thought, for just a moment that something could happen between them. But he had always told himself that he was being ridiculous, that Spock would never want that. And now, as he lay dying in a cave he had told him he was in love with him? He couldn’t handle this, knowing the man he had been in love with for years returned his affections.<br/><br/>
Spock looked up at him in anguished eyes. Jim knew he had to say something. He couldn’t let him die without him knowing he loved him too, but the words died in his throat. And then Spock’s communicator buzzed and he heard Scotty’s broken voice come over the com. He grasped at it desperately. Ten minutes left.<br/><br/>
“...Captain...your location...found…-beam up?”<br/><br/>
“Scotty this is Kirk. You need to beam Spock and I up now! He’s been hit and needs medical care immediately. Get McCoy!”<br/><br/>
“....beaming up...now.”<br/><br/>
And just like that, they were back on the ship, Jim still clutching Spock as they appeared in the transporter room. Instantly McCoy appeared with nurses, hoisting Spock onto a stretcher, and whisking him to the medical bay. Jim ran after them.<br/><br/>
“What happened?” McCoy called over his shoulder as he took Spock’s vitals while running along with the stretcher.<br/><br/>
“He was shot in the side while we attempted to escape.”<br/><br/>
“Damn goblins with their damn hearts in their side. Why does he always get shot in the damn side!” McCoy turned to the nurses around him. “We need to get him into surgery immediately. Get M’Benga.” And with that, they were in the bay, and in the operating room, Jim left outside the doors. He had never see McCoy look that scared. He sank into a chair in the med bay, barely registering one of the nurses questioning him about his own minor injuries.<br/><br/>
He looks up at her. “Can you tell Scotty he has the con?” he asks. He can’t be the captain now. It wouldn’t be responsible. He felt like passing out. What if he died? What if he died and never knew that Jim loved him too? That felt unbearable.<br/><br/>
He vaguely registered the nurse using the com to tell Scotty to take over. The captain seems to be in shock she said. Was he? He guessed he was. Everything seemed to move in slow motion like it had to break through some barrier in order to get to him. Finally, he registered that the nurse was telling him to get up and lie down on one of the beds. Once he had done so, she began treating the cuts and bruises he had gotten.<br/><br/>
“You have a broken ankle.” She said gently.<br/><br/>
Now that she mentioned it, he did feel a lot of pain in his left ankle. He winced. The adrenaline must have kept him from feeling it before. How long had it been broken with him running on it?<br/><br/>
She set it quickly and easily. “A clean break. Should heal in a week or two. If you keep off of it.” She said, shooting him a threatening look. He gave the best ‘I’ll be good smile’ he could manage. “You can go back to your quarters now and get some rest. I recommend a hot shower and a good night’s sleep.”<br/><br/>
Panic rose in Jim’s chest. He couldn’t leave before he knew if Spock was ok...or not. “No, no. I can’t. I want to stay here until Spock is out of surgery at least.”<br/><br/>
The nurse sighed. As gently as she could, she reminded him it would most likely be many hours before Mr. Spock was out of surgery, and that any updates about the condition of his first officer would be provided to him immediately.<br/><br/>
He shook his head again vigorously. “No, no I’m not leaving the med bay until I know.”<br/><br/>
The nurse bit her lip and considered him for a moment. He tried to make his face look as much as he could like ‘I am your captain and you need to obey my orders.’ “Fine, you can stay here. But you need to stay in the bed here and rest.”<br/><br/>
He sighed in relief and agreed to her conditions. She got him a new uniform that wasn’t ripped and covered in blood, sweat, and dirt and a glass of water, both of which he accepted gratefully. The water helped ground him. He remembered what his mom had told him to do when he was overwhelmed by anxiety, focus on the physical. He focused on the coolness of the water going down his throat, the way it relieved his thirst. Some of the dissociations eased.<br/><br/>
Spock was in the best medical care he could get right now. McCoy had always been able to make him better, he had to believe that he could do it again. What Spock had said was impossible, the Enterprise finding them, had happened. He was so gravely injured, how could he even make the proper calculations.<br/><br/>
Did he even mean what he had said to Jim when they were in the cave? Is that what he really wanted? Or did he just want to get something off his chest when he thought it was the end without ever acting on them? What if Jim admitted he loved him too when he came out of surgery and lost their friendship because of it. He couldn’t bear to lose Spock, it was the reason he had never allowed himself to admit his feelings in the first place. He was his best friend, and he would do anything for him.<br/><br/>
He wasn’t able to sleep even though his body ached with exhaustion. He wasn’t sure how many hours passed while he was waiting but the look on McCoy’s face when he finally left the operating room made him think it was many.<br/><br/>
He sat up as fast as he could manage. “Well?”<br/><br/>
McCoy rubbed his eyes. “He’s going to make it.”<br/><br/>
Jim let out a deep sigh of relief. Tears welled up in his eyes again. “Thank you, McCoy, thank you.”<br/><br/>
McCoy smiled at his praise. “Well I can’t take all the credit, the hobgoblin’s got that healing trance thing he can do. Without that, I’m not sure he would have pulled through.” The nurses wheeled Spock out of the operating room and into the general med bay. He was unconscious, and his skin was paler than usual, but his breathing was steady. It took everything to stop Jim from jumping up and immediately rushing to his side. After all, they were the captain and first officer, technically a relationship between them would be frowned upon.<br/><br/>
“Jim,” McCoy said. “You see he’s ok now. Go and get some rest.”<br/><br/>
“I will, I promise, can I just have a moment alone with him?”<br/><br/>
McCoy nodded and went to his office. The nurses went to tend to their other patients. Jim sat down on the edge of Spock’s bed. His face was peaceful, and his eyes fluttered as if he was dreaming. He wondered if he was. With trembling fingers, he reached out for his hand, entwining their fingers. Suddenly he was assaulted with images and feelings. Intense affection, love, images of him, and Spock entwined kissing. Glowing images of himself as he smiled at Spock. Fear, rejection, shame. With some effort, he pulled his hand away and the images and feelings stopped flowing.<br/><br/>
God, was he that delusioned? That tired? Maybe Bones was right, and he really did need some sleep. Badly. But it had felt so real. He knew he needed to get back to his cabin and shower and sleep. Maybe eat something. But it felt impossible to move away from Spock. As if he did, that he would simply disappear. It had seemed so impossible they would be together again just moments ago. So he stayed, his hand on Spock’s arm, and eventually nodded off sitting by Spock’s bedside.<br/><br/>
*****<br/><br/>
Spock awoke before he opened his eyes. He checked in within himself, after all, the last he remembered, he had been dying. And there was the pain. A lot of it, right by his heart. He must have made a mistake, the pain was pinpointed just a little to the right of where his heart actually was. That’s how he had survived.<br/><br/>
There was someone by his bedside. Probably McCoy, damn him. He opened his eyes slowly, allowing them to adjust to the bright lights of the medbay. But it wasn’t McCoy at all, it was Jim. His heart skipped a beat as he saw his captain, slumped over asleep in his chair hand on the bed.<br/><br/>
Suddenly, he remembered the last thing he had said to his captain before they beamed up. When he thought he was dying. When he confessed the thing he thought he never, ever would. That he was totally and completely in love with Captain James Kirk. He had been since his first week on the Enterprise, and had been suppressing his feelings with meditation and discipline ever since.<br/><br/>
Spock looked at Jim more carefully. He was in a new uniform but clearly had not washed or even gone back to his cabin since they had gotten back to the ship. A little bit of emotional pain panged Spock’s heart. Jim had stayed here for him, probably because he felt guilty that he didn’t feel the same way about his friend that Spock did about him. After all, Spock thought, he hadn’t been exactly fair to spring it on him on what he thought was his deathbed. And he hadn’t said anything...he had looked anguished. Spock wondered if he had just ruined everything between them, and the friendship that he valued so highly.<br/><br/>
Why was he so stupid? Jim would never want him. Why would he? He had the choice of basically anyone in the known universe. Why would he want a half Vulcan who couldn’t even express his emotions? No. It didn’t make any logical sense for Jim to want him. Therefore, he didn’t.<br/><br/>
He should wake him up and send him away, tell him to get some real rest in his bed and a real meal. But he couldn’t lie to himself, he desperately wanted Jim to stay. But that was the same selfish feeling that had caused him to confess in the first place, and he wouldn’t give in to them again.<br/><br/>
“Captain.” He called out. “Captain, wake up.”<br/><br/>
Kirk’s eyes opened slowly, and he raised his eyes to rub the sleep out of them. “Spock!” He cried that sunshine smile lit up the room. “You’re awake!” And before Spock knew what was happening, Jim embraced him. When he realized what he was doing, he jumped back, and Spock thought he saw a blush on his cheeks.<br/><br/>
“Yes. Thank you, Captain. Now, I think you should retire to your cabin so that you can return to the bridge without further delay, after some rest of course.”<br/><br/>
“You want me to leave already?” Jim asks, a tinge of hurt in his voice that pierces through Spock.<br/><br/>
“You’ve spent too much time on me already,” Spock said, turning away. “Thank you, but it was not necessary.”<br/><br/>
“Spock-”<br/><br/>
“Please Captain, I need to rest as well.”<br/><br/>
“Of course. I’m sorry, Mr. Spock.”<br/><br/>
Spock winced at the return to formality, even though he knew he had incited it. He heard Jim hesitate for another moment before leaving the medbay and alerting Doctor McCoy that his patient was conscious.<br/><br/>
Somehow, even though the interaction was not overtly confrontational, Spock felt miserable. Entirely miserable. He heard McCoy come into the room.<br/><br/>
“So how are you feeling, hobgoblin?” he asked.<br/><br/>
“Fine. Some pain in the side where I was hit. It will pass.”<br/><br/>
“Good. Well, you should continue to rest for at least a week before returning to duty.”<br/><br/>
Spock merely nodded. “Thank you, doctor,” he said, “For saving my life.”<br/><br/>
“You’re welcome,” McCoy replied in a surprisingly genuine moment between the two. Seeming uncomfortable, the doctor switched back to comedy. “Well if you keep taking hits for that fool we call a Captain I imagine I’ll be doing it many more times.”<br/><br/>
Spock’s eyebrows furrowed. “How did you know?”<br/><br/>
McCoy shrugged. “It’s the only time you ever get injured.”<br/><br/>
Spock ran through his injuries in his mind and was forced to agree with the doctor. He wondered if Jim had made the same connection.<br/><br/>
“Did...something happen between the two of you? On the planet, I mean. Jim left for his cabin seeming real shook up.”<br/><br/>
“No. Nothing out of the ordinary.”<br/><br/>
“Mm,” McCoy said, considering. “Well, you should get back to resting. I’ll be back to check on you in a bit.<br/><br/>
****<br/><br/>
The next week and a half was a strange one for the crew of the Enterprise. The tension between the Captain and the first officer was not missed by anyone on the bridge. Uhura noticed it first. Jim didn’t touch Spock anymore like he used to. No pats on the back, or a hand on the shoulder. He was sad too, and humorless. He had stopped taking meals with the crew and ate in his cabin instead. And Uhura hadn’t seen Spock or Jim go for their weekly chess game. Something had clearly happened between them.<br/><br/>
Spock was sad too. There hadn’t actually been a discernible change in his behavior that Uhura could catalog, but she could just tell. Mostly, he had just kept his eyes incredibly focused on his station.<br/><br/>
What Uhura really knew was that this situation couldn’t be allowed to continue. It was making the crew uneasy and lowering morale. So, she had made up her mind to do something about it. When Kirk announced a lunch break, she got up and asked if he would take lunch with her. He hesitated for just a second.<br/><br/>
“Yes, Uhura, thank you.”<br/><br/>
They headed down to the commissary and she got them a table alone. Kirk sat down with his McCoy prescribed salad without complaint and started picking at it morosely. Oh, something was really wrong.<br/><br/>
“Captain, I’m sorry to do this, but I believe I may need to broach a personal subject with you.”<br/><br/>
She got a quirk of his lip at that. “Is that so, lieutenant?” He asked, almost playfully.<br/><br/>
“Captain, what I mean is I am going to be relying on our friendship to be rather forward, and I hope you won’t resent me for it.” He waved his fork absentmindedly to indicate that she should continue. “Something has clearly happened between you and Mr. Spock.”<br/><br/>
He stopped chewing the greens and looked up.<br/><br/>
“I mean no offense Captain, but you can’t tell me something hasn’t changed between the two of you since the last mission you took.” He opened his mouth. “So don’t bother.” He closed his mouth. “What happened?”<br/><br/>
Jim bit his lip and lowered his voice. Uhura had proved her trustworthiness a number of times. He wouldn’t begrudge her this. “He told me he has feelings for me.”<br/><br/>
Uhura’s eyes went wide. “He did?!” she squealed as Kirk desperately shushed her.<br/><br/>
“Yes.”<br/><br/>
“Well then, what’s the problem? You’ve loved him for years!”<br/><br/>
“What?! How did you know that?” Kirk asked, somewhat exasperated.<br/><br/>
“Oh please, anyone could tell from how you look at him.” Seeing him look panicked she reassured him. “But I’m sure no one else does. So, again, what’s the problem.”<br/><br/>
“Well, when he told me, he said he had tried really hard to meditate it away. He told me it made no sense. And then when he woke up he wanted me to get straight out of his room. He didn’t want to talk.”<br/><br/>
Uhura bit her lip. “What did you say when he told you?”<br/><br/>
Kirk shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “I...um..”<br/><br/>
“Kirk?” Uhura asked, getting more suspicious by the second.<br/><br/>
“I didn’t say anything ok!”<br/><br/>
“What?!”<br/><br/>
“He was dying and I was in shock! And then we were getting beamed up. And then he was in surgery!”<br/><br/>
“Oh for the love of-. So he’s!” She huffed. “Finish your lunch.” And stomped away muttering something that sounded very much like ‘lovesick idiot’.<br/><br/>
She walked as fast as she could through the Enterprise’s halls to the science lab, where Mr. Spock would certainly be. He was indeed there. “Mr. Spock!” The Commander looked up.<br/><br/>
“Yes, Lieutenant Uhura?” Spock said, raising an eyebrow.<br/><br/>
“Come with me!” she said.<br/><br/>
“What?”<br/><br/>
“Come with me!” She grabbed him by the sleeve and marched him toward Kirk’s cabin. She rapped sharply on his door, and Kirk opened his door, looking just as confused. She shoved Spock in and closed the door behind them.<br/><br/>
“Lieutenant!” Spock cried out, indignant. “What do you think you’re doing?!”<br/><br/>
“Talk! You’re not coming out until you work this out!” She shouted, and typed in the code to lock the cabin door from the outside. A code she most definitely should not know. She was hoping that the Captain would be so relieved after their talk, that he would forget that pesky detail.<br/><br/>
Kirk banged his fists against the door. “Goddammit, Uhura!”<br/><br/>
“Banging will not open the door, Captain.”<br/><br/>
Jim sank into a chair, defeated. “I know, Mr. Spock.”<br/><br/>
“What did Uhura seem to think is so important for us to converse?”<br/><br/>
“Why do you think?” Kirk asked, rubbing his temples. “They all know things are different between us since that...mission.” He said, struggling to find a word that wouldn’t turn Spock’s ears bright green. He had failed.<br/><br/>
“I see,” said Spock.<br/><br/>
Jim waited for a moment for Spock to continue, and then sighed heavily when it became apparent he had no plans to. “Is that it?”<br/><br/>
“Is there more that needs to be said?”<br/><br/>
“What?”<br/><br/>
“I told you something, and you gave me your answer. I have been most grateful you have not discussed it with me further. It’s rather...embarrassing I think you would call it, Captain.”<br/><br/>
“But Spock, I never did give you an answer,” said Jim, realization dawning on him. Spock had already assumed he had rejected him.<br/><br/>
“What?” Spock actually looked confused for a moment.<br/><br/>
“I didn’t give you an answer! I was shocked! You were dying! I never thought that…” Jim trailed off and Spock’s eyebrows knitted. “Spock! I love you too.”<br/><br/>
Spock’s body went completely still.<br/><br/>
“You-you do?” he asked.<br/><br/>
They moved towards each other easily then, and Kirk intertwined their fingers and pressed a human kiss to his mouth at the same time. Spock returned his kiss enthusiastically.<br/><br/>
Kirk never did find out how Uhura knew the code to lock his bedroom door.</p>
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